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4/25/11 02:00 pm - Ack

Major hormone imbalance...

I thought I was over this!?!

4/13/11 11:08 am

Time to put on my Tom Landry hat and start making cuts.

Internet, you're cut.

I have decided hence forth to drastically cut back my internet use.

I've come to the conclusion that the internet is mostly a tool for the dissemination of personal propaganda for the purposes of social promotion or building up clout in an attempt to weaken someone else position.

I've been online since the early 90's with dialup services like AOL and Compuserve where it was mostly a nerds paradise and it peaked in 2000 as a sort of free for all, which was very exciting, at least on the social side of the itnernet. But I think it's steadily declined into a background level of personal competition.

Gone are the people documenting their lives in the hopes of finding friends, penpals or any other contact that they hoped might soothe the human condition, at least for a little while. In their place are aggressive self styled PTA over achieving mom style bloggers, wanna be anyones that think they are owed a million dollar check from theinternet simply for having photos of themselves or some lousy craft they did online, or people that have declared the spokesperson and personal pundit for any variety of topic...

I think this all vaguely sounds familiar to the last post I made here some umteen months ago.. but really, now is the time for action. I don't like the person the internet has made out me. I'm uhnappy, irritated and I've found that my natural cycles of interest, motivation, action and reward have been utterly destroyed.

Funny thing is is that Lj was really where my love affair with the internet started. The journal format lent it self so well for people to examine themselves or describe a family gathering or trip somewhere. It provided a deeper connection to the other person that went beyond status updates and thumbs up.

Over the years i've collected an overflowing handful of friends and that's true wealth. we're only as good as the company we keep and I think i've struck a gold vein. So now it's time to count my blessings, sanctify some earth, build my own house and fill it with love, life and laughter.

I want to do things in this life and I can't do it while being around something that makes me feel so bad.

So that's it, it's not you, it's me internet. you're cut. you're fired..

but for the rest of you, if there's anyone left reading this thing, the door is always open,there will be beer in the fridge and a song on the stereo.

2/17/11 11:05 am - There it is in a nutshell..

I have Sherlock Holmes' syndrome.


The research on sensory-processing sensitivity, however, builds on Eysenck's views on introversion and arousal and Gray's work on the inhibition system. This research in turn builds on Pavlov's work on sensory response to both physical and mental over-stimulation, and work by Jung and his contemporaries differentiating extroverted and introverted cognitive sensitivity types.[9] This research shows that about 15-20% of humans and higher animals have a nervous system that is more sensitive to subtleties. This means that regular sensory information is processed and analyzed to a greater extent, which contributes to creativity, intuition, sensing implications and attention to detail, but which may also cause quick over-stimulation and over-arousal.

This temperament may also have some correlation with continuously high cortisol levels, which may cause hypervigilance and susceptibility to trauma, or the same traumas may encourage hypervigilance, which in turn may contribute to high cortisol. Being highly sensitive may amplify or create psychological issues when over-arousal occurs. The ability to unconsciously or semi-consciously process environmental subtleties often contributes to an HSP seeming "gifted" or possessing a "sixth sense". Sensitivity is often confused with shyness, but 30% of HSPs have extroverted personalities. Another common misconception is that only females can be HSPs; there are roughly the same number of male HSPs as female. The percentage appears to hold true for all animals possessing this trait.


2/8/11 05:32 pm - And I find myself here again..

I feel lonely and overlooked, often. And going back to my previous post, posting here was supposed to be a way for me to work me out for myself, in manner of speaking.

I look at life, and I see so many possibilities in so many different things and I firmly believe that life is what you want it to be. It can be what ever you desire to make out of it.

Then why is it that so many people that call themselves creative are only doing what they think will make other people like them?

I've unfriended myself from so many photo communities simply for that reason. There are too many girls posing the same pose, too many photos of burned out buildings and discarded, dirty dolls left in vacant lots and fields.

No one that says "this is me and this is what I want to offer the world".

Why is it that people like me exist off in the shadows, not even aware of it until we turn something loose on the world that we've put our hearts into for it to go unnoticed?

Then it becomes obvious that people only like things that they think will make them look better or more hip in the eyes of others. And that's the only reason those things were created in the first place.

It's a cycle with no beginning and no end and I float somewhere above it or off to the side, watching and knowing no one cares. Or even if they did, I wouldn't know because they won't bother saying anything unless they thought someone else was watching and it would give them credit in the other person's eyes.

Sometimes I feel like I just want out. Sometimes I want to go live in the woods and write and write music and make things and never turn on a TV or the internet again.

How can you really be alone and think what you want to think when billions of people a day are telling you you're wrong? And how can you convince them you're not?

1/31/11 06:31 pm - So

I guess I'm back. sort of. :x I posted an entry I guess last week and that caused some weirdness and I deleted it.

It's funny because in today's local tabloid they had an article about facebook and how people seem to have depression from reading about how great everyone else lives are. And they went to say how that's really just a crafted impression they want to give people and most of them aren't nrearly has happy as they seem. That should be obvious to anyone that uses soical media after a while. lol. I pretty much said the same thing in my last post.

So let me try and make up for that last post in a more coherent, non stream of conciouness sort of way.

The facts about me: I grew up in a very emotionally abusive household.

Why I started this journal: I wanted privacy. I wanted somewhere I didn't know anyone and I could explore myself.But as time goes on you met people make freinds etc.

Where I am now: I'm not/wasn't objecting to my friends that i've made now and I'm proud to say i've outgrown my emotional problems or I am at least, very, very well on my way to besting them.

What the problem was: I have a problem. It doesn't stem from anything from my past. It's inhereant to me and I don't understand the reasons for it psychologically. I seem to have a much higher bandwidth than the average person for being able to take in information from my enviroment. I have this tremendous (I'm not trying to brag) ability to detect and see patterns and connections in things. But the problem is I can't turn it off. Coupled with my abusive past, I got overwhlemed with the amount of people creating these picturesque lives online to the point where I let it affect my own self esteem.

So about a year ago, I came to the conclusion that the only person I can control is me. So I figured to start healing I was just going to get rid of it all and move on. Since then I've made tons of progress. I feel better about myself, I feel I have better friends and I feel better about my life in general.

So that was the point of my last post, sort of a good bye to all of that. It may have come out a bit crass but it wasn't directed at anyone on mf FL. Just faceless "types" that tend to show up everywhere online.

As I said then, I'll say now, I like to read what's going on with people so I'll be here one way or another. I may even post myself every now and then. But I want it to be like this, something with a bit of depth and bredth to it and not just the facebook-ized, less than 420 chracter pointless update.

So if and when that happens, I'll see you then. But until then, i'll still be here reading.

6/29/10 12:29 pm - Productive Weekend.

I decided against the hang out motif of my studio / computer room. I decided to make it a comfortable work room since I already have two other TVs I watch and play games on and I know if I did it that way, I'd just get bored with it and want to change it again. I redid the trim that I never finished from the last time I painted and I bought another expedit bookshelf for the space between the closet and the door. @ 12 inches deep, it hold my records perfectly, but overall it's a bit bigger than I thought, but it still works. :) It holds all my junk and record player, which I'm happy to have in my room again.

I can't believe I'm actually getting a new phone from T-Mobile! My samsung memoir is crapping out after the first year and it's a piece of crap anyway. So anyway, after dealing with a year of lies from T-Mobile, I finally got someone honest enough to tell me that yes, I did have the insurance I originally bought and that my warranty on the phone was up in 2 days. Not surprisingly, they stopped selling the memoir in less than a year so they had to upgrade me to the next lowest model, the Behold 2, which I read is another piece of crap. But they say you can swap out the android OS for the newer one, so I'll have to see for myself when it gets here. If it sucks, I'll get a new one in another year when my contract expiries.

I feel like I got punched in the teeth again. I stopped grinding my teeth for a while and now I seem to be doing it again. Argh.. So I'm going to have to start wearing my mouth guard again.

Things are good. I'm finishing a story right now that I started last year and then I'm going to pick up the work on one of my books again. Work is busy, but I have really been in a good place since I deleted twitter and myspaces and so on and so forth ..

6/24/10 01:14 pm - I think of all the puddings

bread and rice are my favorites.

6/24/10 09:44 am - oi!

I don't even cosplay, but i'm jonesing for a plugsuit bad right now. i can have one custo made for 80$ off ebay.. ugh. O-O me want.

6/22/10 05:09 pm - hello journal land..

im not up to too much .. summer doldrums are here. Working long hours and trying to recover on my three day weekends.

Going shopping this friday @ ikea for a bookshelf that will match my desk / bookshelf combo. I decided i'm going to make the room comfortable and leave it at that. I have two other rooms for playing games and watching movies. I don't need a third hang out.. lol. it's just been half done for so long i'm now itching to get it done along with some touch up painting.

I picked up two neat cameras over the weekend while thrift shopping, I just have to see what sort of films they take.

Ah well. things are good. Hope they're good, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.

5/19/10 03:31 pm

Update of the century..Collapse )
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